It’s quite the wildest experience to love a man so deeply, and he loves you, yet you know that you wouldn’t co-create a sustainable relationship. 

I had this with a man.
It was a once in a lifetime experience for sure, even though we had many lifetimes together.

We met each other and aligned in our healing journeys after he just got cheated on, and as I was entering $100k of debt, after going through a horrific mentor situation.

In many ways, I feel like I showered him with the love he never really received from a woman before and in many ways, I felt protected, safe, held, and seen by him in ways I’d never felt before.

We had around an 18-year age gap, yet he forever is so special in my heart.

He was the guy my mind would always return to.

When I was with him, I’d get nervous, (I never get nervous around guys).

His presence, his eyes gazing upon me and penetrating me every second I was around him.

Most of the time he knew my physical and emotional movements before I did.

His beautiful laugh, which starts from his gut and goes HUM, slightly moving his eyes to the left, and lets out a sigh of a laugh.

Yet I always knew it wasn’t forever, because I knew I’d die from a heart attack if I committed to him because I knew the emotional depth and attention I craved, he wouldn’t be able to offer by just the essence of him.

I knew we’d always hit a block, and he knew I’d demand more of him that he couldn’t offer.

It was like this unspoken agreement.

Yet in the presence of each other, we were always fully there with the other person.

We talked about marriage and kids and he one time said, “let’s look at houses, together.”

As we sat on the couch and looked at houses even though I didn’t plan on ever living with him

 

Deep down I knew life wasn’t for us for where we both had evolved to in our lives.

I think a part of me hoped something would magically change because he was my special friend, my safe place, he was where I could relax my wings from flying around all over and being me. He was my space where I could refuel, and he knew this.
He knew I didn’t have men in my life I did that with or trusted to see me that closely and intimately.

 

We had this on and off again, push-pull dynamic, yet we always made time for each other.

That was important to us, we agreed we’d always be there for the other to support each other.

And I had every intention of doing that married to our people when we found them, knowing this was just special.

 

Well, my world got wildly rocked upside down when he lied, hid his marriage from me, and his friend sent me photos of their wedding, while I texted him three days earlier and he never thought to tell me.

On top of this, we’d actually been intimate four months before his wedding day to the exact date.

And I later found out he traveled with this woman, came back to where we live saw me, then went and traveled with this woman and got married.
He decided to keep it a total secret from me, and I’m sure she will never know.

 

The last time I saw him I read him this:

 

The moments of love I share with you.
The moment you opened my eye shadow case so I could get ready without complaining.
When you held my hand crying as we (leaving out the name) movie.
The way you found me sexy when I took my dress off when the street was behind me.
The moment my core was shaking because of an orgasm and releasing trauma and you just held my tummy so it could release.
The moment we sat in this (CITY NAME) bar stools and you said “Colleen, I’m very careful with you.”
The moment you asked me to jump through the portal on the (CITY NAME) beach.
The moment we did our meditation nap in bed and you opened your big blue eyes after and I truly felt your Soul for the first time.
The moment I was having an anxiety attack drunk and you looked in my eyes and said, “I’m right here your safe.”
The moment you told me to go to Europe even though you probably wanted me to stay.
The moment you helped me open the Dom Perignon bottle of champagne but then still took the video, so it looked like I opened it.
The moment you saw me looking into the ocean at dinner and asked, “what are you thinking about?”
I replied, “I’m just grateful people wait a lifetime for this.”
Your head bobbed down and you said, “I’m so grateful too”
Then you grabbed my neck so sexily and kissed me.
The moment we were eating sushi and you grabbed my leg and said your mind is always going. so, I could calm down.
The moment you were grabbing my curly hair when we were watching (Movie Name).
The moment when you came home, and I was sleeping, and you told me how proud you were of me.
The moment you sent me the unicorn can to tell me you were preparing for me.
The moment I came over at 7am instead of 9am and you answered and let my whole system feel calm within your presence.
The moment we were walking on the beach and I was so nervous, and you grabbed me and said, “come here!” And you pulled me into your chest.
The moment you ran out the door then remembered you forgot to kiss me, so you came back downstairs and gave me a kiss.
The moment you cut the steak into bites so I could keep talking to you.
Every time you make me coffee and I don’t even have to ask.
Every time you touch my body to let me know how beautiful and hot you think I am.
The moment you rubbed my feet and noticed I liked it!
Every moment I’m not looking at you, but I feel your eyes piercing through me to notice everything about me.
The way you’re so present with me.
In each of these moments, my heart grew a longing for you.
Yet I know with you, it’s only in the now, the present that’s the only moment that counts.
Thank you for all these beautiful moments of love you’ve showered me with.
I will always forever treasure them.

He responded, “Good job, Colleen.”
(My point proven, he lacked the emotional depth I crave).
And I fell like an avalanche of snow into his chest with tears.

 

What happened next was a beautifully intimate experience, where I actually felt it, he wanted to love me, he wanted to choose me, yet he knew it would only hold me back in life. He knew if he did that it would be a distraction to what I’m here to do in this world.

It was selfless looking back, pure love because he saw how incredible my life was about to become, and he didn’t think he could see himself in that picture.

Yet the execution of his intention was betrayal, horrifying, something I wish no friend to ever look you in the eyes, enter your body so beautifully, co-create an opening experience, and then know they were about to offer you a death through a thousand cuts.

Especially because he took on a healer role for me after my abortion and overcoming the narcissist abuse, I went through.

As well as other things I was overcoming, so for him to let me down in the way I’m about to share with you, was horrifying.

 

Now mind you I’m friends with many men I’ve been intimate with and they are married or have a girlfriend. I’ve been out to eat with them, friends with them, not an issue at all because there was always FULL transparency.

As I share in my blog how to make sense of death my friend who died after I’ve known him for 13 years, and we’d been intimate together, he was married, we snapchatted weekly, no issue.

 

Well, this beautiful man, I so deeply love.

The last time I saw him he left me saying, “I’d invite you to my wedding.”

We walked outside he got in the cab, I walked down to the park, and began balling my eyes out.

I felt like I was being abandoned yet I had no idea why.
And he texted me, afterward, we said a few messages, and the final was, “Not judging. I care about you deeply.”
FUCKING LIAR, I was yet to find out.

Now my emotions were on overdrive and it’s because deep down I knew he was leaving me, and that was the last time he’d hold me or kiss me.
I remember for weeks it felt like a weight was on me, I couldn’t get up out of bed.
I had no idea why; I knew I just missed him.
All my girlfriends were so worried about me.
And then he missed my birthday.
This was the first time in 18 months he never texted me on a “BIG” day.

I thought surely he must have just forgotten.

Nothing.

Thanksgiving.
Christmas.
New Years.

My mind was racing all the time, every moment, I couldn’t focus.
Did I do something wrong to lose my special friend?
Where is my special friend, we’ve not talked for three months in eighteen months?
Where is he?

 

But I decided to be strong.
I handled it all on my own, crying, spinning, thinking of every situation.

 

Well, a guy from Facebook who I’d been talking to on and off, invites me to go to [City] for a wedding.

I say thanks so much, yet I cannot make it.

This seemly random guy from Facebook goes to [City], and he sends me a photo of my special friend and his bride-to-be KISSING.

 

My first reaction was tears, I’m so happy for him, he wanted this so badly.
He’s been working on himself for five years to align to this, I’m so proud of him.
And if he can make this dream of his happen, I know my dreams are so close to coming true too.
As we are all mirror reflections of each other, being examples of what is possible.

 

Then it sinks in.
I felt like I just got punched in the gut that my special friend, who I texted three days before this random man sends me marriage photos, and we were talking about dinosaurs.
He didn’t think to tell me then he was getting married in three days?

Like hello, why are you even replying to me you are getting married?

Well, this random man, tells me not to reach out to my special friend, after finding out I knew him, to say congratulations it’s supposed to be “private.”

I’m thinking fuck you, this is a man I love and my special friend.

I reach out again from the previous three days ago I texted him and write the most BEAUTIFUL congratulations I’m so proud of you, I am so happy for you, you’ve wanted this, and sent the most loving message that I really did mean. Because he was my friend and he did want this, so I was so proud of him and happy for him.

 

Knowing again my pattern I won’t show my pain.
I’ll deal with the darkness on my own.

 

He responds, “Yeah I was going call and tell you all about it.”

 

And I just blessed his path.

Then the random man from Facebook proceeds to send more photos of these two getting married after I shared, we had dated.

SLICE ME OPEN EVEN MORE.

 That was the final moment of FUCK NO, two older men will not play this game with my innocence, my purity, and my divinity.

 I block everyone and am done.

This was manifested the moment this man left my room four months earlier saying I’d invite you to my wedding.
Then this random man from Facebook who is your friend invites me to your wedding, and you had no idea about any of it?

 

I’m so good.

Thank you for ruining everything sacred and special about our friendship.

 

Well, less than three weeks after he’s married, I get a text message from him, wanting to talk.
The obvious answer FUCK NO.
I said a lot more honest things than a no, and he offered to “be there if I ever wanted to talk about it.”

 

Like FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE.
Allowing yourself to enter into my body knowing damn well you were engaged to other women and didn’t tell me.

 

So how do you let it go?
Well, it takes grace and forgiveness.
You must begin to understand you did nothing wrong, and this was the best thing to happen for you to move on and grow.
I remember thinking a million things, yet how did I get over it?

 

I focused on the good things he offered me.
I looked at what was the good I can take from this and move forward.

 

I repeated this phrase often,

[His Name] take back what is yours.
I’ll alchemize what is mine.
And you can keep everything good I gave you

 

I looked at his innocence, he was trying to protect me, yet God had another plan.

God wanted me to see who he really was, which was a coward, and he showed me exactly why I never committed to him because, in fact, he would break my heart over and over and over again just by being him.

For that I’m grateful, and I trust, and I open to God for answers.

I would lay in bed crying moving my body up and down, laying my arms open like a cross, asking God to please keep me open through this pain.
I would pray and pray that I want to feel it all because if I can break through this the true bliss is on the other side.

And I did this for maybe two weeks, and then I woke up and it just was gone.

I felt compassion for how much pain this man must be in to be able to do that to me, someone who always accepted him, cherished him, truly loved him for him, yet he could allow something so horrific to happen to my heart when I trusted him so deeply. He always protected me, and now he willing stabbed me so sharply, aggressively, and with no warning.
He was my safe space, and he destroyed it all.

Slowly but surely, I’d wake up day after day becoming more grateful, I dodged a bullet.
I became more grateful I trusted my intuition to never commit to him.
I became grateful knowing if I could make it through this pain, something so much greater is coming for me.

 

Yes, he’s married, the man you love, your special friend.

Yet deep down it’s a blessing, pray to God, lay in bed asking to be opened, ask the Universe to allow grace and gratitude to shower over you, and truly know the good things he offered you will always be in your heart.
And the horrific things you can be grateful he’s not your issue, as a better man is waiting to be everything for you, all the time, in true transparency, devotion, and commitment.

Trust that yes, he’s married, yet you were just set free to be liberated into the true sacredness of love, and what this life will offer you because deep down he knew he’d only hold you back, so trust his judgment, trust he settled so you could fly.
Trust he played his role by providing you the runway to FLY.

 

Know that every heartbreak or someone you deeply loved getting married is a new beginning, for you to expand into a divine liberation of becoming even more of who you were meant to be, no longer a slave or victim to him occupying your mind, because that love prepared you for something so magical you cannot even imagine at this moment.

And that’s how you get over the man you love who got married.
Forgive, Trust, Gratitude, and Daydream of the amazing man who is yet to come.
Practice this over and over again, and you will dream your love into reality.

My mindset audio where I share three steps to shift from anxiety into a limitless state will assist you with this journey as well.

 Let me know what comes up in the comments.
Turn your life into the greatest love affair.
Colleen Gallagher